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Great Darktonian Pie War
The Great Darktonian Pie War, officially designated "The Final Showdown" by the High Penguins, is a last ditch attempt, with every good creature in Antarctica plus the Str00del Force, the Jerks, The Leader and Dark Penguins facing off against Darktan and his minions. Also, FW has joined the fight. It was a long war, because King Triskelle, their Navy, and every High Penguin except Luce fled to their homeland of Arda. Luce claims that this is the fabled "Dagor Dagorath" (the Battle of Battles). A a game was released in Freezeland about it. The event Prologue PBJT Valley didn't always bear this name. In fact, it never had one to begin with. That all changed in "The Battle of Battles". PBJT Valley is a foggy, freezing cold, Valley Forge-esque land full of hills and trees. Lots of trees. A Rundown in High Penguin Battle Customs HPs have extreme rituals and proceedures for traditional battles (not like ones in the past). They start with a coin toss, and the winner chooses two weapons that everyone would get. This is administrated by a football-style referee. If a person is toppled by any weapon, and can not get up in ten seconds they are teleported to a stone structure and suspended in Ditto A until the war ends. This is administerd by an old-fashioned boxing referee. Everytime someone is knocked out, a loud cathedral bell is rung. Usually, that thing rings every second. The spirits have had to replace it several times per battle. All "officials" (referees, ect.) are High Penguin spirits. Dagor Dagorath! (the Battle of Battles) Chapter One: Let's Get It On It was a gray, overcast day. Darktan and his minions were marching from their realm, about to seize and expand their empire. Continental conquest was their goal. They knew the Antarctic citizens lacked any hope. However, the creatures of Antarctica refused to quit, whether the High Penguins did or not. Even the Dorkugese had left their homeland to stop the menace. Everyone who was anyone came to see this done. Darktan even agreed to start the "games" in ancient High Penguin custom. So it was done. Professor Shroomsky, wearing the Silmaril Crown that he sued off Triskelle, and Darktan, the Ultimate Evil, faced each other at a stone cylinder. Shroomsky, as we know, is a stickler for formality. He did the prescribed rituals to the letter. They faced each other. "See that crown, fungus? It's mine. ALL MINE." Shroomsky glared at the fearsome menace, but refused to back down. ---- Meanwhile, in Ard Mhaca, the High Penguin officials were in the town centre, around The Two Trees. They had never really left. Freezeland's navy had faught in the war, but the High Penguins did not. King Triskelle stood, watching the confused High Penguins. A high wind was picking up, and King Triskelle was eager to get more troops before the snowstorm struck. He turned to Elessar, Will Whitefoot, Bodo Bunce, and other important military or parliament officials. "Muster me every able-bodied male and strong lad. You have two days. On the third, we ride for the valley, and for battle." They each bowed and slipped their armour on. Triskelle watched them as they rushed, and strayed into deep thought. He came to himself a few moments later and slipped his armour on, and sheathed his sword. Triskelle, before leaving after Shroomsky seized the jewels, had took all the amulets, except Light and Shadow. So, despite them being currently dormant, Triskelle took them. ---- A High Penguin ghost, dressed in vertical black-and-white stripes, floated down to where Shroomsky and Darktan stood. The opposing armies stood on the banks of the Valley. They were both told not to attack until the ceremony was done. "Penghis Khan is ready to kick tail feather. When can he unleash his Imperial PWNage?" Luce glared. "Hush, wee lad. This is tradition." Luce held a Scroll reading "Rules and Regularities of a traditional duel". "Oh. Penghis Khan scoffs at your formality." Luce cleared her throat. Down at the table, the two characters just stared. The ghost came out with a solid gold coin that glimmered even at night, almost as if infused with the Amulet of Light itself. One one side, a big smiling picture of Professor Shroomsky. On the other side, Darktan. "It will now begin. This is not to be a petty snowball fight. He whose face falls flat on the dubloon has the advantage in choosing their arsenal." They commenced a coin toss right there. The currency landed on Shroomsky! "Luck is with you today, Fungus. Your two weapons of choice?" Shroomsky looked at the sapphire box the High Penguin provided him. There were maces of all shapes and sizes, a golf club, a frying pan, some pie, dirt, fax machines, and a piece of paper with an interrobang on it (‽'''). "I'll take the pie." The villains cheered. "...and the interrobang." Silence. Thus, the High Penguin ghost took out the pie and cloned it. Everyone received lots of pie. Several people had to tell others, "DON'T EAT THE AMMO!". The ghost pulled up the Interrobang. "No creature is to be killed. None at all." Both teams cheered. "The board is set. Now the peices must move." The ghost turned to Shroomsky. He eyed the Crown. "What be ye, wearing an important artefact? Where is the Triskelle, Son of Arvedui?" "I sued for the Crown... and Triskelle surrendered and ran to his homeland..." "Grace and luck be on your side, Fungus." He clapped his flippers together. "May the leaders arise, and meet at the banks." They did. The ghost started the countdown in Ancient Penguinian. "Tre! To! En! ''Deilige søte bliss som gjør deg feit!!" A buzzer sounded. The Battle of All Battles had started. Penguins picked up their pies. Villains picked up their pies and ate Doom Weeds for extra strength (cheaters). With a great, thundering roar, everyone picked up their pies and "natural talents"! This way and that! Pies flew everywhere! Shroomsky got smacked with boisonberry! Turtleheimer was spun around by apple! Then, Darktan threw a pie at Penghis Khan. WHACK! It was key lime. Penghis Khan hated key lime. Darktan shouldn't have done it. Khan yelled over the crowd, as pies flew everywhere. He took his Imperial Mullet and dragged it passed the front lines and deep into enemy territory. No one saw him. They were flinging magic, throwing pies, or (in the case of Explorer) flinging daggers. Khan took his Mullet. He walked straight to a big villain. It was Herbert Horror. He was standing, firing scalding beams of fire at any poor person within yards. Penghis Khan took aim and swung his fish. '''''WHACK!! Herbert Horror fell like a snowman in a summer greenhouse. A ghost appeared in a white shirt, black suspenders and red bowtie. He started slapping the ground, screaming in Ancient Penguinian. "Ti, ni, åtte, sju, seks, fem, fire, tre, to, en! Banke ut!" A mighty cathedral bell sounded. Herbert Horror vanished in a cloud of smoke, reappearing in a stone masonry structure, with the words "Taperne" engraved upon it. He was then frozen solid in Ditto, so he wouldn't attack other losers in the seats. Darktan raised a mighty flipper. He was just toying before. Since his right-hand-man just fell to Khan ("banke ut" is "knockout" in Penguinian), he immediantly knew this fight was not going to be easy. He conjured up a massive pie and hurled it at Penghis Khan. It was bigger than five of him! "Ti, ni, åtte, sju, seks, fem, fire, tre, to, en! Banke ut!" The bell sounded again. Penghis Khan was squashed like a bug. Luce turned to the audience. "Wonderful, eh? Our most valliaiant cannon fodder warrior has fell." WHACK! Four Khanz Penguins, down, felled by one blast from WitchyPenguin! Four countdowns and four bells. Luce picked up a pie and screamed some chant. She flung it and it hit a random minion, who subsequently hit seventeen others. Eighteen countdowns, Eighteen bells. And then, another countdown and another bell. So far, the Good Guys were winning. That was going to change. Chapter Two: NO, NOT MANNY! Darktan turned to the "Losers" area, and saw the villains. "SEND IN ROBO-GARY!" Robo-Gary turned on and walked onto the Valley. His flippers were like machine guns, rapidly firing pies at everyone. That took down most of the Dorkugese, all of the Emoticons, even Explorer, and Fred! Happyface, however, came prepared. He held "The Really Shiny Hand Grenade With A RollBack Function That Looks Like A Globius Cruciger But Isn't"! He tossed the glittering heirloom straight at Darktan, but he quickly put up a forcefield and dodged it. It flew up and landed on Robo-Gary. A Hallehlujah chorus, static, and a countdown later, and Robo-Gary exploded. The blast took out a twenty-fifth of Darktan's army. Bells rang like mad. Unfortunately, the Antic Grenade also took out Barkjon and himself. "Hold it!!!" Explorer text messaged to the narrator from inside his tank. "Doesn't the grenade have a rollback function?" That it did. Explorer and Fred reappered on the battlefield. At the same moment, the tanks holding Happyface and Barkjon shattered, and the two came out fullt armed and ready to fight. The released Ditto Vapor stunned about 16 other baddies (mostly STINC soldiers). "EAT OUR DITTO SPRAY YOU STUPID STINC GOONS!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yet, they were STILL out numbered! Bad guys abound! Pies kept on flying. Creatures fell. Bells rang, and it wore on. Judge Xavier waddled up on the front lines and threw his prized Gavel. It clobbered Witchy Penguin, but she got up before the ten seconds were up. However, her broomstick wasn't as lucky. Witchy Penguin was now vulnerable. Darktan became angrier. He used telekinises and picked up Manny Peng. He lifted the Mwa Mwa Penguin high above him. It was screaming like a manicac. "I ONWY THWEE! I ONWY THWEE!" The faster he spun Manny, the more it screamed. Then, he hurled it. Manny spun like a football, clobbering hundreds and hundres of epgnuins, as the spinning freak was also guided by Darktan's mighty abilities. Shroomsky just lost half the army thanks to Manny Peng. He had to pull back his army before they were toast. The pies kept flying as well. ---- Shroomsky turned to Luce. "What are we going to do now? Is there any sort of answer?" "A bundle of twigs is stronger than only one." Shroomsky had no idea what this meant. Luce seemed to be hiding something. ---- Chapter Three: Marx Marx Marx Darktan, meanwhile, turned to his minions. "Okay. We're winning. Conquest should be easy. Yet, before I do, let me tell you something. I went on a new world called "YouTube to obtain minions. I also wrote about me recruiting "Marx" there. I did get two characters, though I don't really know what to do with them. Each one was named Marx." Darktan whistled, and the aforementioned "Marx" characters appeared. "This," Darktan commented, "is [[Wikipedia:Groucho Marx|Groucho Marx]]. He's a comedian. He won't fight, but he is world reknowned in comedy, along with his relatives. I guess he will cheer you up." Groucho Marx waved to Darktan and smiled. "...and this is Marx Marx. He's from some place called "Kirby World", and shoots ice." Marx Marx nodded and shot ice. "...and this is [[Wikipedia:Carl Marx|Carl Marx]], credited as the founder of Socialism. I presume he will... um, just say something fancy!" Carl Marx nodded and quoted himself: "Let the ruling classes tremble at a Communistic revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Working men of the world, unite!" WitchyPenguin turned to Darktan. "What did he just say?!" "I don't know." "But every class struggle is a political struggle." Marx continued. "I don't get it. Aren't you the 'ruling class'?" "You're right. You think I should put him back?" "Then begins an epoch of social revolution." Marx continued. "Okay, Carl. That's enough fancy talk." "I WILL NOT BE SILENCED UNDER YOUR CAPITALIST CHAINS!" "What?" a random villain asked. "I think he hates money." "Is that to say we are against Free Trade?" Carl Marx continued. "He's annoying." Witchy Penguin continued as well. Marx Marx suddenly got clobbered with a pie. A countdown, a bell, and the Kirby villains was back to his universe. ---- While Darktan and Carl Marx argued with each other, Professor Shoomsky and the army talked to one another. Professor Shroomsky felt very guilty. "I think I made a big mistake suing Triskelle. Luce, I'm sorry if I just killed Antarctica's chances of winning." "I have high penguin intuition. I forsee great cheer in the near future." Professor Shroomsky frowned. "Are you positive I didn't ruin it?" "No, Hounourable Fungus. Twas only a meer overreaction. Seizing the opportunity to to fight Darktan was very valliant." "I still feel guilty." "As a former narrator, with my intuition, I can assure you that victory is nigh." Shroomsky smiled. ---- Chapter Four: Hi, Billy Mays Here! The two armies retired to their camps at sunset. Most of the night was spent treating injuries and making battle plans. None of them expected what would happen in the morning. At dawn, Professor Shroomsky's army awoke to an unusually warm atmosphere (it was about 20 degrees Fahrenheit). In contrast, Darktan's lines saw an immense amount of fog and temperatures of -80 degrees Fahrenheit. The battle resumed at 9:30 AM. Everything went pretty much the same as what had happened yesterday, with the exception of the fog around Darktan's army, which was reducing their visibility to a 1.25 foot radius. At about 10:15, a loud crash of thunder was heard coming from Darktan's lines. Explorer, who had the privilege of flight, soared up above the battlefield to see what was going on. A large line of dark, gray clouds was approaching the field. As Explorer watched, a bolt of lightning zapped through three clouds and struck one of the taller STINC soldiers. Then it began to snow. Without warning, a gale-force wind stirred up, blowing the snow everywhere and further reducing visibility. The reading on one of Explorer's pocket thermomters fell rapidly, as did the reading on his handheld barometer. Just then, a small icy hailstone bonked Explorer's hat, Tittle, on the rotor. Explorer didn't even see it coming because the curtain of snow was so thick. Through the blinding waves of white that surrounded him, Explorer was able to barely make out the outline of a city skyline on top of one of the clouds. Explorer then realized what was happening. "Aw, come on!" he yelled above the roar of the wind. "I should have known this was going to happen; I read the script two weeks ago! It's Mayor McFlapp's doing, isn't it?" he asked the narrator. There was no reply. "Ah well, I'll just have to find out for myself!" With that, Explorer, despite the blizzard and showering hail, shot off towards the looming cummulonimbus cloud with the strange flickering lights. ---- Darktan shot a beam of auras straight into the oncoming clouds. It penetrated straight through the storm, cutting clean through a third of the squall line. Visibility was slightly restored; the army of Evil advanced. Suddenly, an air horn peirced through the valley. A lone Bean Human walked up the banks, facing the battle. "Hi, Billy Mays here, demonstrating the power of Oxypie." The creature held up a purple colored pie. "It has the stickiness to cure even the toughest in evil stains." He tossed the pie. It clobbered an STINC minion, who was out for the count. Billy Mays continued. He took a pie from a Dorkugese penguin nearby. "See how Oxypie topples an STINC infantrymen in comparison to the leading brand of weaponry!" He threw the pies at two STINC minions. The Oxypie flew faster and hit harder. "The secret is the special fluids baked into the pastry! Watch how they connect and stick to the enemy's feathers like glue!" Mays hurled the pie at Manny Peng. The Mwa Mwa Penguin fell and the momentum sent him back ten feet, knocking two STINC soldiers with it. Three bells and countdowns. "Now that's the power of Oxypie!" ---- Up in Ternville, Explorer and Mayor McFlapp were in the Narrator's Office laughing over hillarity of their newfound spoof of Billy Mays and OxyClean. "ROTFL...... seriously, Mayor, did you really come up with that all by yourself?" Explorer asked as he chortled uncontrollably. "I mean, Oxypie???? BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!" As Explorer burst out laughing all over the carpet, Mayor McFlapp continued typing at his Narration Organ. ---- "This Oxypie the human speaks of seems to be more powerful than I thought," said Darktan to his minions. "We must stop this at once." Metal Explorer snickered as a evil grin came over his face. "I can take care of that, oh wise and great Darktan." The robot took off using his mini jet pack feet and flew into the battle. In his flipper he held a rather large pie. The penguins below saw it, and some even screamed. "This should take care of these pesky penguins." The robot let the pie go sending it to the ground. It hit 20 penguins, covering them in a strange substance. It was light green with a little dark purple in it. No one knew what it was. When the penguins tried to get up, though, the sticky liquid held them to the ground. It felt like oil and was almost as sticky as Oxypie. "MOMMY!" yelled a Khanz Penguin. "Save us!" cried a Dorkugese Penguin. Everyone who wasn't busy fighting was worried. Billy Mays, however, just smiled. He then pulled out yet another strange contraption. Professor Shroomsky and Luce looked curious. "What is that crazy advertiser doing now?" they asked the others. Billy Mays then walked up to where the large pie had landed. "Stuck to the ground by a sticky pie? Then you need the special cleaning power of Kaboom!" He held what appeared to be a container of cleaning supplies. He then sprayed some on the pie that had landed on the penguins and it suprisingly disolved away. "See how Kaboom cleans up Pie stains compared to the leading brands! When you're on the battlefield, you want the strength of this cleaner! Billy Mays Guaranteed." The warriors then cheered and clapped. Metal Explorer, however, was furious. "Impossible! How dare you question the Power of Lord Darktan's pies! You will be sorry!" Just then, Blizzard threw a pie up at the crazy robot. This flung him back to Darktan's castle as fast as a snail tied to a rocket. "Mayday! Mayday! Fire the pies!" The battle continued as more pies were flung, and more penguins were being freed by Billy May's new weapon, Kaboom. The Beastector then sent in larger, stickier pies. Billy Mays continued, holding the Kaboom. "The secret is the iodizing bonds! Kaboom has a special chemical formula that can remove any stain, from grape juice to pie, guaranteed!" He sprayed free the others. Darktan, now enraged, conjured up a pie the size of sixteen Herbert Horrors. He flung it, and it smashed over three-quarters of the army of Justice! A High Penguin spirit was counting down from ten. Billy Mays laughed and called in a tractor trailer that was hauling a full load of Kaboom. "IT HAS THE STRENGTH TO WIPE AWAY THIS FULLY LOADED, MULTI-SURFACE PIE THE SIZE OF A HOUSE IN MERE SECONDS!" The tractor trailer dumped its load of Kaboom. It washed over PBJT Valley, and wiped everyone free! Darktan's new pie was useless! He immediantly reverted to the old pie that knocked people over. Oxypies and cream pies continued to fly everywhere. Explorer continued to laugh at the advertising puns while Mayor McFlapp continued to type. ---- Chapter Five: ROOOOOOAAAR! Magma Puffle attack penguins! Darktan growled more and more. His army appeared to be loosing thanks to Billy Mays and his new weapons. An Abyss Knight approached him. "Oh wise and noble Darktan, our armies are getting what I like to call creamed. We need to bring out more troops." Darktan turned and walked over to the knight. "It appears it is time to bring out one of our last lines of defense. Release the Magma Puffle." A Doom Knight saluted Darktan and pulled a large metal lever. ---- The side of justice was winning. With Billy Mays' products, and the power of Mayor McFlapp's trump card, nothing could stop them now. But happiness would soon change to fear. Just then, a cage opened, releasing a huge twenty-meter-high beast that appeared to be completely made of Magma. He roared like a pack of hungry Leopard Seals, and then spoke in a extremely deep voice. "ROOOOOOAAAR! Magma Puffle attack penguins and defend Lord Darktan's castle!" Penguins everywhere screamed and ran in different directions. Professor Shroomsky was frozen with fright. He stood still and looked like a Puffle about to be caught by a Skua. "Wha, wha, wha..... what is th-that thing?!?!?!" Luce gently patted him on the back. "The strange human creature has the situation under control. For the time at hand, at least." Poor Luce was wrong, for Billy Mays was running around like the other warriors were. Apparently he had no type of weaponry to stop this enormous creature. "If only you were right, Luce. I don't think even one of his cleaning products can save us now though. We'll just have to hope the Fourth Goozack will save us... if not, then I have an idea." Luce looked at him sharply. "What in the name of Ard Mhaca is that?" Professor Shroomsky took one glance at the Magma Puffle and shrieked, "RUN!!!!!!!" ---- "It appears that the Magma Puffle is working most effectively," said Darktan as he smirked. "Even that ridiculous advertiser dosen't have anything to fight it with." Then a pie covered Metal Explorer approached Darktan. "Ah, being such a evil penguin is hard work, isn't it, my robotic minion?" said Darktan as he patted the robot on the head. Rolling his eyes, Metal Explorer huffed. "You've got it easy." ---- Chapter Six: Reinforcements Prepare Up in his office, Mayor McFlapp was getting ready his sophisticated retaliation. "Tell the scientists that I can't wait for long," he barked into the speaker-phone beside his Organ. "Oh, and meet with Admiral Gee, eh? Tell him riverdog, advance on treewalloper or rivermouse! He knows what t' do, wot! Thanks, Becky! You're the best secretary a Mayor ever had, wot! Bye-bye now!" Explorer could not help but overhear. Riverdog? Treewalloper? he thought as Mayor McFlapp returned the phone to its holder. Perhaps it was all some sort of code... As Explorer watched, the Mayor picked up a small walkie-talkie and spoke into it. "Rally the citizens," he said. "Now." ---- "Arr, okay ye Ninjas. We must be a headin to this pie war. They'll need all the help they can get there, "proclaimed Ninjahopper. "Any questions ye be needin to ask." A overly excited student rasied his flipper in the air and hopped up and down. "Yes ye grasshopper." "ZOMG-YOU'RE-ROCKHOPPER-AND-YOUR-A-NINJA!!!! He yelled excitedly. Ninjahopper rolled his eyes at the students who were now jumping all over the place asking him to sign autographs in haiku. "Argh, why to I even bother." The Ninja Master-to be then exited the Dojo with the few sensible Ninja students and headed to PBJT Valley. Little did they know though that Metal Explorer was hovering over them silently. "Arr, we be on our way to PBJT Valley, Arr," Ninjahopper sung. Metal Explorer just grinned in a way similar to how Mabel looks on the Musical about her. "Sing now penguin," whispered the robot. "But you won't be smiling when you see the Magma Puffle." ---- Far away from the valley and Ninjahopper, a blinding snowstorm raged through Ard Mhaca. On the rooftop of one building, the blurred sillhouette of King Triskelle could be seen holding a crackling walkie-talkie. "*fixzz*--''*pop*''--Rall--''*ping*''-y the b--''*ffzz*''-ally citizens, w--''*xxzvff*''--ot! I'm about t'--''*fxzzivping*''--jolly well sh--''*fvvxzz*''--ow Perw--''*xvczff*''--inkle the flipp--''*cwhshvzfxxzz*''--in' ammo! Come on, n--''*shwshfzsxvc*''--ow, go, go, go!!!--''*ca-weep--fhzzxvczz*''" crackled the walkie-talkie. King Triskelle paused for a moment, trying to understand the static message, then tucked the walkie-talkie into his inventory. He took something out from his player card, pressed a button, then teleported in a bright lime green flash that was eventually lost amongst the thick curtains of snow. ---- Subchapter Six-One: Heads or Tails? Back on the battlefield, a bright red coloured aeroplane zoomed overhead. Hot Sauce charges were dropped out of the sides, and a black-hooded penguin piloted. "....Tails6000." Turtleheimer remarked. Tails grabbed a parachute, loaded his trademark hot sauce machine gun, and jumped out the side of the aeroplane. "DO'H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He yelled, pulling the trigger on the hot sauce machine gun. "AAHH! HE'S TRIGGER HAPPY!" A STINC minon shrieked. One by one, STINC goons fell out out. The referee counted his hit count."..En..To..Tre..Tjue..Førti To.." Tails had KO'd forty-two STINC goons! Sadly, though a great asset, he perspires easily, and needed to take a breather. He broke the rules doing this. Once you leave the battlefield, you can't come back. So, there went one of the Good Guy's greatest warriors. ---- Subchapter Six-Two: Six thousand... and Ninjahopper. King Triskelle had rallied as many able bodied men and strong lads he could. He caught up to the other High Penguin officials, at the ruins of Permothylae. "I bring five hundred from Northfold, Father!" Elessar said. "Seven hundered more from Snowbourne!" Bodo Bunce proclaimed. "Sir, we have six thousand spears altogether." Will Whitefoot sighed. "Six Thousand? That will not be enough to defeat the lines of the Darktonian Realm.." "Sir-If I may say.." Will interrupted. "No, you may not. We have till nightfall, then we march." Triskelle retorted. The camp began to pick up the pace, and everyone began to get ready. The smithys were being crowded, the puffles being fed, everyone was readyying themselves for war. "Six Thousand..." Triskelle mumbled, watching the first lines move out. ---- "Arr, we be walkin to PBJT Valley, arr arr arr!" Sung Ninjahopper. The Sensei Apprentice and his students had been walking for hours but it was still along way to go. Despite already completing his training, Speeddasher accompanied them to be of assistance. "I hope Blizzard is alright. I still don't know if it was right letting him join the pie war." said the Ninja. "Don't worry," replied a student. "The little guy survived years in the mountains by himself. He can survive a few days out at war." "Look on the bright side!" said another. "Ninjahopper is finally happy." Speed just rolled his eyes. "Ya think. Wait until we have to tell him that inorder to get to PBJT Valley we have to sail across the ocean (Ninjas live in Club Penguin)." Ninjahopper, not hearing what Speeddasher said, just continued singing and marching across the mountains. Suprisingly none of them realised that Metal Explorer silently followed them. "It'll be nice going outside of Club Penguin. The mainland sounds cool." whispered on student to another. "Does our master know he's going to have to cross over the sea to get to the mainland?" Metal Explorer made an evil grin as he popped his head out of a nearby bush. The robot was very stealthy so as always no one saw him. "Just wait until they reach the mainland. The Dark Archons will take care of them. As for King Triskelle, I doubt he'll ever forget what I have in store for him." ---- Chapter Seven: POTASSIUM! Back on the battlefield, the Magma Puffle was still wreaking havoc. Even Oxipie had no effect. "WROARRRRR! MAGMA PUFFLE DESTROY PATHETIC PENGUINS!!" The beast actually seemed to be getting larger as it consumed numerous Pie Tanks and Trees. But then it went for a nearby building that looked kinda out of place next to a battlefield. "What happens when that thing eats a whole house?" Asked a Penguin. They soon found out though, as the beast grew to an enormus size and nearly took up the whole battlefield. "ROOOOOOAR! MAGMA PUFFLE ATTAAAAAAAAAACK!" Suddenly, the ground exploded between the two armies and an oddly familiar giant drilling machine burst out, a small wagon and lantern attached to the back. Deathly silence fell over both sides. A large door swung open on the side of the machine and a penguin stepped out. He wore a black tunic and a blackened, once red beanie. A red puffle wearing a ninja mask sat on his shoulder. "Sorry I took so long," said Kwiksilver, reaching into his tunic pocket for something. "It took ages for us to find and fix Herbert's machine," said Sprocket, the red puffle. Kwiksilver pulled out a large box and threw out some strange looking guns that were tossed into the army of good. "These are Banana Blasters," said Kwiksilver, "Open fire on that Magma Puffle!" Streams of yellow banana goop flew through the air and landed on the giant puffle. They were absorbed into its body. "WROARR! PUNY LITTLE GUNS DO NOTHING TO MAGMA PUFFLE!" bellowed the Magma Puffle. Then a curious change came over the great beast. It turned a brilliant yellow and it's eyes widened. It toppled backwards into Darktan's army, out for the count. "What just happened! You can't just knock out a beast like that!" screamed Darktan. "Bananas are an excellent source of potassium. Magma Puffle is just a giant Lava Puffle, isn't he?" said Kwiksilver. Darktan was silent. So were the armies. "Lava Puffles can't handle potassium, it is their immune system's weak point . They get knocked out on contact. That Magma Puffle will be unconsious for about two days, and we'll defeat you in that much time, hey?" "YEAH!" A giant cheer erupted from the army of good. The fighting started up again. "Have at you!" yelled Kwiksilver and Sprocket, and they dived into the fray, blasting Oxipie out of their guns. ---- "We've done it. Those STINC warriors just got owned, "said Speeddasher. The other Ninjas closely followed with Ninjahopper close behind. The short trip across the ocean had made him very seasick and he felt like he ate 1,000 fried fish. "Arr, I be to sick to fight anymore me students," he proclaimed. "You'll have to go on without me. I'll catch up later." "Don't worry," said a student. "We'll make you proud. You're one of the best trainers anyone could ever have.' The Sensei Apprentice smiled like he never had before. His students had their Cards ready, and they felt like the Ninjas of Olde Antarctica. Just then one student raised his flipper. "ZOMG-YOU'RE-ROCKHOPPER-AND-YOUR-A-NINJA!" He screamed. "ARRRRRRGH!" yelled Ninjahopper. ---- Chapter Eight: Secret Weapons Abound! Mayor McFlapp and Explorer walked through the corridors of Ternville. Sounds of the battle drifted up from below and could be heard from outside. "Come on, wot!" said Mayor McFlapp, breaking into a run. "I want t' show you something." The two creatures zigzagged through the winding hallways until they reached a tall metal door. It was locked with a biometric pass. Mayor McFlapp scanned his eyes and beak, then unlocked the door with his City Key. The door swung open, setting free a mist of purple gas. When the cloud dissipated, Explorer found himself standing in a dark laboratory. Mayor McFlapp's shadow appeared on the wall and signaled for him to follow. The Mayor led Explorer to a large machine in the center of the room. It had a small, empty holder that was suspended over a vat of some molten substance. "Would y' mind if I borrowed your little Amulet?" asked Mayor McFlapp, extending his wing. Explorer pulled the glassy icicle from his inventory and gave it to the Mayor, who inserted it into the machine's holder. When he rubbed the amulet's top, it began to glow and started shooting glacial energy into the vat below. "This, my friend," explained the Mayor as he watched the vat begin to bubble, "is my newly invented type of ammuniton, wot! King Triskelle and I came up with it! This here bally molten stuff is a special type of metal that can hold energy, such as the Silmaril energy that the Elemental Amulets shoot out! When I shoot energy into its liquid form, the stuff hardens and turns into a glassy, brittle substance! That's what we'll use as our flippin' ammo, wot!" The Mayor, using a set of tongs, pulled a glassy sphere from the vat. Trapped in the sphere was some kind of blueish energy, the same kind that the Ice Amulet spewed out. Explorer oohed and ahhed as the Mayor smashed the glass ball on the floor, causing an ice patch to form where the energy had escaped. "Hurry now, wot!" said Mayor McFlapp as he turned a latch and opened a door. "I have a very important meeting at the South Pole Council!" ---- King Triskelle and the High Penguin remnant army had reached South Pole City. Triskelle knew this city inside and out, ever since it was South Pole Citadel. "I know something that few else do..." He said to Will Whitefoot. "Well, what is-" "Shhhh!" Triskelle interrupted. He walked up to the gates of The South Pole Krytocric Hall. He didn't think anyone was here, so he broke the gates open. "Ah! You're rather late, aren't you, wot?" came the voice of Mayor McFlapp from the courtroom. "Oh, isn't this a spree! Follow me, and do exactly as I say," Triskelle replied. "Sah, yes sah!" McFlapp pulled out a key from his great coat, and flew up to the clock tower where the Khan Die was cast. Grabbing the huge hands on the clock, he strained to shift the large flippers. Even though the Mayor was able-bodied, it took a while to move the hour and minute hands to their new positions. Eventually, he moved the clock to 3:14, then to Noon, then to 3:14 simultaneously. Upon the completion of the old code, the bells rang in musical sequence B-A-D-D-E-E, a sound that echoed for kilometers away. A trapdoor in the purple roof of the capitol sprang open. Its mechanisms were so old that it seemed it was untouched for decades. Walking in, the Mayor was amazed at the weapons Triskelle spoke of. There were catapults and HP magic scrolls, thousands of untouched pies, pie recipes with results that would stick like glue, even several cannons dating back to Khanzem. Loading them out one by one, they continued preparing. Becky, the Mayor's secretary, flew to the Frost Clock Tower and twisted the tower's spire as if it were a combination lock. In fact, it was, with small numbers etched upon its base. Becky turned the lock to the combination "12-24-12-16", and several "mini-cannons" sprung out of the clock's Big Ben-esque "windows" that were placed above each clock face. A deputation of terns flew over to operate the cannons. Explorer, meanwhile, was in the downtown portion of the city stringing a bungee chord between two skyscrapers; it became a giant slingshot. City volunteers were already at the city walls, activating several repeating ballistas and trebuchets by turning each merlon on the battlement 90 degrees to the left, then punching the star symbols under the merlons. Other helpers were loading ammo into the giant artillery machines. Triskelle told his entrouge to help them. They loaded the ammo from the secret room, as well as all of the ice ammo from the laboratory, and set it upon the slingshot. The cannons and such were loaded onto Pie Tanks and were preparing to be transorted to PBJT battle. Triskelle told all the High Penguins to find any departement stores or clothing shoppes and recite "Treguna Mekoides and Trecorum Satis Dee". South Pole Citadel had come back. The war was about to be turned on its side. ---- Chapter Nine: Tails Versus Metal Explorer Metal Explorer had an angry look on his face. The Dark Archons had failed to defeat the ninjas, and King Triskelle was almost to the battle. He then noticed on penguin who seemed to be firing hot sauce out of some machine. It was Tails6000, who was once of his main rivals. "The penguin allways wanted to fight. Let's see if he wants to now." The robot then landed next to Tails, using his force field gadget to avoid being hit by hot sauce (wich would instantly cause his gears to stop working). "It's about time we had that final battle like we did in that video game, whatever it was called," proclaimed the robot. "I just want to know if you except the challenge, or if you're to chicken?" Putting his hotsauce blaster down, Tails held out his flipper. "I am not chicken Metal Explorer," he replied. "Let's have this final face down." Metal Explorer then neutralized the force field and they shook flippers. "I've been waiting three years for this moment Tails. And the best part is, I chose the battleground." Metal Explorer then grabed Tails and they landed on a cloud that was about 6,000 feet above the Pie War. "Are you ready to brawl penguin?"Asked the Robot. Tails transformed into his super mode. He could now run fast, and jump incredibly high. "Ready," he replied. ---- thumb|100px|right|Theme for battle. Shortly after, Metal Eplorer and Tails stood apart from eachother. "Let's get it on!" exclaimed Tails, ready for battle. The fight began in a heartbeat. The two were at such blazing speeds that the only way to follow was to view it in slow motion. "You may know everything I plan on doing, but that works both ways! I know exactly what you want to do as well! I can predict your moves!" said Tails in a stern way. Metal Explorer, confused and angered, commenced flipper-to-flipper combat right there. He threw pies attempting to hit Tails. Eventually after thirty tries he succeded. After that he kept trying to hit him more times but could not succeed. "Stand still penguin. I've got to get back to Darktan's Castle soon or Manny will start whining." After about thirty minutes of this, Tails became fed up at their equally matched abilities. Deciding to end this now, he reached into his player card and pulled out his Emeralds. Throwing them upon the ground, he became Hyper Tails, meaning he was now stronger than before. He started floating and could run unbelivably fast. He turned flashing colors as well. "Woah. Didn't see that coming." Tails laughed at that remark, for his power now exceeded the robot's. He formed a mass of Chaos Spear in his flippers, while Metal Explorer looked onward. A smirk went across his beak as he took the Chaos Spear and placed it in his trusty slingshot. He pulled its strap back, and let go, sending a beam of Chaos Spear clean into Metal Explorer! KKZZZEEEERRTT! Metal Explorer was fried. His circuits shorted, he powered off for good. In true dramatic fashion, Tails floated down gently where the dead mass of wires and silicon was. It was all over for Metal Explorer. "Heh heh" Tails smirked with a chuckle, the emeralds' power gone. He was normal again. Since he couldn't rejoin the war (because he left), he hopped into his airplane and flew off to a nice vantage point to watch the war in safety. ---- Chapter Ten: So long Manny Austin8310 zoomed in on his golf cart. "What? I'm late? Oh come on. I spent 10,500 Khanz for an airplane ride and I'm late?!?!?! Oh well." Austin8310 charged, wielding his mullet. Furious about being late, he charged into the nearest STINC soldier. POW! SLAM! CRASH! He then grabbed a boisonberry and twirled it around his head. Once, twice, thrice, and threw. NEROWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW THUD THUD CRASH BANG "AGHHH" SLAM "OH NOES NOT BOISONBERRY!" Austin8310 laughed as a battalion ran for cover. Suddenly, three Doom Knights stood front of him. He smacked one in the face, but the other two advanced on him. "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry..." The Doom Knight laughed. "Bring it, tiny." Austin8310 grew to a large size, and with one swipe of a flipper, that Doom Knight fell to the floor. A countdown, a bell, gone. The other one ran in fright, not wanting to face the now normal-sized Austin. Another Doom Knight sneaked behind, and clobbered Austin. He was out for the count! That was, until Flystar55555 came from the sky and saved him! Picking him up, and slapping him to conciousness, they continued to battle. ---- It was near 8:00 PM, and the noob Manny Peng was eating some pie. He was happy the fact that Metal Explorer was gone. Now he wouldn't have to be babysat, and he was happy as ever. but then a very sad Darktan walked into his room. He appeared to be crying with and holding a tissue. "I'm afraid you have to move out Manny. With Metal Explorer gone there's no one to watch you," said Darktan while crying. Manny then screamed. "I ONWY THWEE! I ONWY THWEE! Pwease don't send mwe away!" Darktan continued to cry. "I don't have time to watch you dear Manny. I'll have to send you somewhere else." Darktan called a Skua and Manny Peng was carried off to Ban Island. He screamed so loud that Fred's glasses almost cracked. "I ONWY THWEE! I IS SWO SWAD!" "Good bye Manny, good bye," said Darktan as he sobbed and closed the window. Once he closed it, crying turned into laughter. "Ha ha ha, good ridance." Darktan then went back to his seat to watch the war. ---- As the skua was carrying Manny off to Ban Island, it suddenly took a right turn at 90-150 and flew to an island. Lightning forked all around the landmass, and a dank, rusted prison was illuminated in the storm. Sheets of rain fell as Manny trembled at the menacing structure ahead of him. "W-w-wait, this is nwot Bw-b-bwan Iswand?" Said a confused Manny. The Skua landed next to him. She had a evil smrik on her face. Then things got creepy. The skua pulled off her discuise and all was revealed. The Skua was none other than Mabel wearing a propeller hat, disguised as a bird. "There's been a change of plans Manny," she said. "Ban Island is to good a punishment for you. You'll remain in prison until you can talk like a normal penguin." Mabel then threw off the propeller hat and stomped on it (she only wore it so she could snatch Manny Peng). "And the best part is, I'll be you're teacher. Welcome to Owcatraz." Mabel smirked and Manny cried so much that the cage would've flooded if it didn't have a barred window. Mabel then made an evil laugh as she carried Manny Peng to his cell for his first school lesson. Lightning flashed as Mabel brought up a chalk board. "Your first lesson: Grammar." "AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ---- "Hey Tails did you see that. Manny's gone. Oh yah!" Yelled Speeddasher as he was talking to Tails on his phone. "Yah that was awsome," Tails replied. "One Mwa Mwa Penguin in the USA down, about 1,550,670 to go." Speed then said goodbye and put his phone away. He then got out a megphone and spoke into it. "Hey everyone! Manny Peng has finally been put in jail! And his teacher is Mabel!" Everyone was silent for a minute. Then everyone (including Darktan's minions) cheered. Everyone was really happy. About an hour later though everyone got back to the Pie War. ---- Chapter Eleven: Defend the City! Triskelle entered the South Pole City Museum of Antarctican History. Inside, suits of armour, Trans-Antarctica Highlanders, Loyalist Red Coats, Naughtzee uniforms, and High Penguin guard robes were arranged neatly. Triskelle cleared his oesophagious and cracked his flippers. "Treguna Mekoides Trecorum Satis Dee!" He said in a loud and clear voice. The historic garments floated to life, and Triskelle grinned. "This'll be a lark!" He said. Mayor McFlapp and the Terns loaded ammo into the turrets, and supplied Triskelle's army with loaded weapons. Triskelle's army stood positions on the wall, while the High Penguins and Triskelle rallied all the clothes with the Substitutiary Locomotion spell. Meanwhile, Explorer had a stroke of genius. He gave Triskelle a look, and Triskelle knew what he wanted to do. They waddled to the city center and found the Giant Pen. Triskelle pointed his flipper at the tall moneument, he shouted at it, "Treguna Mekoides Trecorum Satis Dee!" EEEERRRRRWEEEEEE!!!! The Giant Pen lifted itself from its pedestal and started following Explorer down the path. Grinning proudly, Explorer showed McFlapp the Pen, which was now leaning over the Citadel battlements, as if it wanted to charge at the Darktonian lines. "Ahaha.. Revenge of the gift shoppe..." laughed Triskelle. "Note to self: Give Miss Price a reward once the war is over for inventing the most useful spell in history!" ---- Even though the other warriors were using pies, Speed used his Card Jitsu cards. He wanted to fight like the Ninjas of Olde Antarctica did, and he liked using the Fire Card. Then something grabbed him and lifted him up into the air. He looked up and saw it was a Icarus. He didn't know any Card he could use to defeat it though. Then it got worse. More Icari came to help hold him up. "Bring the Ninja to Darktan, "said the one that looked like the leader. "He'll make a good Flame Kinght." Speeddasher was all of a sudden frightened. These creatures planned to infect him with Doom Weeds and Ditto. For awhile he thought he was doomed when he remembered his alien card. "I bet you guys have never seen anything like this," Speed laughed. Using the card it disapeared. The Icari where silent for awhile, but then started laughing like crazy. Then out of nowhere a penguin in a alien suit appeared out of nowhere in a U.F.O. A beam of light then showed up and the head Icarus. Then as quick as it appeared, the U.F.O disappeared. The remaining Icari were now as frightened as Mwa Mwa Penguins. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! They screamed. Imediatley they let go of Speeddasher and flew back to Darktan's Castle. Speed would've laughed then, but he then realised he was over forty thousand feet in the air. Good thing he landed in Tail's Plane. "Good thing I was here huh Speed," said Tails. "Y, y, ya," replied the Ninja shakily. The two then flew over PBJT Valley, and watched the battle. ---- Austin8310 glared. 42 STINC minions glared back. Up from above, Tails and Speeddasher stared. "He's a goner." "Totally". Or was he? Austin8310 whistled, and Flystar55555 flew out of the sky and pounded one, telegrabbed one, and fireblasted one. At that, the STINC minions ran around in disarray. Austin8310 pounded, slammed, but then he was outnumbered. Suddenly, he had a stroke of genius! He jumped in his golf cart and started running the STINC minions over. "EAT MY TIRES, WIMPS!!!" A Icarus flew in and broke his car. Austin8310 flew out and was mobbed.But, he wasn't out yet. He grabbed a jetpack out of his inventory, a hose, and snowballs. He quickly flew up into the air, and shot the snowballs out of the hose. When he saw 8 Icari... He ran for it. He started yelling at them. "A BIT OF ASSISTANCE HERE?!?!?!" as the Icari swooped down and tried to pick him up. Eventually, Tails and Speed landed to let Austin in the plane with them. They then took off into the sky, watching the battle peacefully, each having done their duty for the USA. ---- "Alright boys (and girls)"said an unknown voice on board a plane. "Its jump time and I don't want any messing about. "Lets go" said a Blizzard Ranger's voice. Even before he jumped out he knew this was crazy. He quickly activated his parachute. When he landed, along with two other Rangers, he was surrounded by Doom Knights. The Doom Knight, each armed with Mullets, slapped and slapped the Rangers. Suddenly, Penghis Khan came out of no where and slapped the Doom Knights with the Imperial (now pie-filled) Mullet. "Alright!" said one of the rangers. More rangers arrived, each armed with either pies, snow guns or hot sauce machine guns. They all raced to battle, all eager (but still outnumbered) and began throwing their pies. ---- Deep under South Pole City, away from the battle, in a hidden chamber, Luce stood reading some ancient High Penguin Texts. "My memorie hath failed me," she said. "Finwë!" Footsteps. Luce spun around, ready to fight. "I say, I say, what ya'll in my cellar?" said The Kernel, walking down some stone steps. "Foolish, this an a hall of learning of anchient times." The Kernel flipped a switch and the room was flooded with light. Crates of fish lined the walls along with EFF posters. A large picture of the Kernel, saying "IT'S FLIPPER SALIVATIN' GOOD" was hung next to the scroll shelves. "Nope. Mah celluh." "Lock yourself in here next time and rid us of your annoyance!" said Luce. "I am on important buisness." "Why don't you call up that young'un, Kwiksilver? Ain't he the one of the people in that there Prophecy?" "If it will get you off my back, I suppose we must all play a pawn in the game." Luce scribbled a message on her Psychic Paper. Kwiksilver, meet me at these co-ordinates..... ---- Chapter Twelve: Fire! The Giant Pen moved up to the wall of South Pole City. Triskelle and McFlapp armed themselves. "Wot? Thats not a flippin' pie!" McFlapp ranted to Triskelle, seeing the object he had in his right flipper. "I know," Triskelle said. "Amulets arent out of the picture, seeing as Darkey has one." Triskelle had actually brought every amulet, except Shadow and Light, with him. He slipped them around his neck. Mayor McFlapp then gave orders to the defenders' army. "All right, you bally bunglers, wot! You're here to PWN, not nap, so stay alert! Look out for sneak attacks and any bally pies that come flyin' at ya! No talking in the ranks, no stepping out of line, the sort. Any questions?" No flippers came up. "All right!" cried the Mayor. "Mini-cannons, you there, yes, you, on top of the bloomin' clock tower, you're our anti-aircraft artillery, wot! Wall cannons! Defend at short range! Repeating trebuchets and ballistas! Defend at long range, just shoot any ol' flippin' stuff at the foebirds, wot! Slow 'em down, eh? Infantry! Move out an' spread, cover the grounds on top o' the hill and and hold the foebirds there! Pie Tanks! Support the infantry, wot! Giant Pen! Err.... just move around the enemy lines, trample the foebirds, squirt ink, the like. Any last words, Chief?" Triskelle nodded and turned to the army. "FORBERED FOR SLAG!" he yelled. "PREPARE FOR BATTLE, WOT!" McFlapp translated. ---- "Hmmm...." Darktan said, pacing back and forth. "We are losing. We must retreat. Aha, but they wont be much without their precious capital, will they?" He said to a Mwa Mwa Penguin. "Otay. Wes swir!" said the loonie. Darktan called a break with the referee. The referee agreed. None of them knew that it would be the biggest mistake of their lives... ---- Troops were loaded into helicopters, and they flew to USA. As Guymed approached his helicopter, he started to think, "Is it Darktan, really Darktan? Can we save the penguin who once was from the evil spirit? What are we doing?" The Republic of Guymed's president kept mumbling on until he reached his chopper, and took off. They soon entered the battle airspace. "Target locating at... 3, 4, BREAK LEFT!" A pilot was hit with a large blast of fruit. The fruit jammed in the rotors as the pilot went down. He crash-landed, but lived. "Ready penguins? Flippers down! Oraah!" a marine commander shouted. The helis landed onto the battlefield, and waved his arm in a motion saying "Grab your snowballs and snowguns!". FW had joined the fight. The mighty Frosian Wariors had landed to help in the battle against Darktan. Soldiers picked up their PM1 and BA1 and charged. FW got closer as Guymed met with one of the captains. "They have stopped fighting, for some odd reason. We already know that they know they are losing," the official said. "Really? Well, they must have something planned out." Guymed replied. ---- Mayor McFlapp watched the entire affair through a pair of binoculars. Putting the binoculars down, he signaled to his secretary, Becky. "Yes, Mr. Mayor?" asked Becky as she walked up to McFlapp. "Fly up t' the bally air base, eh, Becky?" replied the Mayor. "Meet with Admiral Gee again; treewalloper now, eh? Can you do it for me?" "Consider it done, Mayor!" Becky said brightly. Two seconds later she was well up in the air, heading for the mass of clouds that hovered to the side of the battle. ---- The Kernel's cellar shook. Rocks and icicles fell from the ceiling as a giant drilling machine burst through the wall. The shaking stopped. Kwiksilver jumped out of the machine. The Kernel had his mouth open and was in shock. "Mah...mah celluh! Y'all gone and blown a hole in it!" "Would your task not have been easier, and hastier, if ye had took the route past Kentucky Kernel's abode?" asked Luce, annoyed. "More dramatic," answered Kwiksilver, "Anyway, why am I here?" "We are gathered hear too answer the threat of Darktan," said Luce, "Finwë, my predecessor as keeper, had not the time to teach me the art of the Brilliance, the Maledict's polar opposite." "I'm in that thar prophecy?" The Kernel asked. Both nodded. "Well I be fried and covered in oysters." "Then why don't you do it, and end the war?" Kwiksilver chimed in. "I cannot. The Prophecy states that the three all of us are eligible to defeat Darktan, shall we not all do our job? Have any of you experienced anything 'funny', as the modern chicks say?" "I say, I say, I've got a flipper salvilatin' good one!" cried The Kernel, "Two puffles walk into a bar-" "Fool of a lower.. Not the 'ha ha' kind of funny, but an odd or queer sensation," said Luce. Kwiksilver spoke. "Ever since I've been born, I've heard this weird beat in my head. Just a soft beat. I'll tap it out." He tapped his feet on the ground in a beat. "I say, that there beat sounds like the song, Peanut Butter Jelly Time!" said the Kernel. "Peanut Butter what?" asked Luce and Kwiksilver at the same time. "Ya'll never heard of it? It's the craze, I say the craze that's sweepin' Antarctica. An internet phenomon, that is." The Kernel snatched Kwiksilver's Icepod and speakers. He plugged them into a power socket. It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!! Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!! Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!! The rest of the song was drowned out when a burst of light lit up the room like a camera flash. ---- High up on Ternville's solitary air base, Admiral Gee finished talking with Becky and silently dismissed her. He then turned to the group of pilots standing eagerly before him. "All right, you," the admiral ordered gruffly. "You've probably seen that there battle those penguins are fightin' below, and Mayor McFlapp has just given us an executive order to help with the war. Here is a diagram of the designated attack manuever, codenamed 'Treewalloper'." Admiral Gee took out a holographic projector and displayed a 3-D diorama of the planned aerial offense. "You're t' drive the enemy forces towards South Pole City," grunted the admiral as he pointed to different locations on the diagram. "Rain missiles of any sort on the baddies, whatever you like. It shouldn't be too hard to get them t' move; according to our intelligence, they have already planned to attack the capital. The Mayor has set up an army at South Pole City, complete with artillery, so when you see them fire, fly to a higher altitude and drop bombs on the enemy. Take care not to hit the wrong side or the city itself. We'll send over choppers with extra ammunition half an hour after the initiation confirmation signal. That's all there is to it; any questions?" The pilots all shook their heads. "All right then," shouted the admiral as he pressed a button and opened the hangar door, "let's move, move, MOVE!" The pilots rushed to their fighters, hopped in, and closed the cockpit. Half a minute later, a group of white planes were soaring over the battlefield, each with the words "Air Force of Ternville" painted on its side. ---- The light slowly toned down until a yellow penguin engulfed in light could be seen floating in the middle of the cellar. It finally spoke. "You summoned me?" "Saint Finwe!" gasped Luce, "You've got to help us! Darktan's going to transform any time soon and I have no idea how to become the Brilliance!" "Darktan? Oh, him," Saint Finwe said, "You need to find the last vial of High Penguin Swimming Pool Water." "Swimming pool water? The dew from The Two Trees?" "Got it in one. It's what I used to transform for the first time. After that, it becomes easy." "Where is the vial?" asked Luce. Finwe paused for a bit, then spoke again. "Half of the water is in Arda, guarded by High Penguins. The other half is in Mayor McFlapp's office in Ternville." "I say we go for Mayor McFlapp's vial," said Kwiksilver, "Arda is too far away. Besides, I have a tunnel that leads straight to the battlefield." "Yeah, but it will take ages to get there! Your drilling machine took 30 minutes to get here!" replied Luce, "We'd need jetpacks to go that fast!" There was a cough. Kwiksilver and Luce spun around. The Kernel had five jetpacks hung up on a wall. "I bought 'em ta deliver fish." Kwiksilver and Luce smiled sheepishly. There was another flash. They spun around again. Saint Finwe was gone. "Well, let's go!" cried The Kernel. Chapter Thirteen: The Deal Meanwhile, Darktan was overseeing the whole battle. He was not liking the result; "Hmph, this is not going as I planned." An Abyss Knight approached the Dark Lord; "Sir, we are suffering several casulties from the onslaught of pies. We'll be needing some sort of reinforcements to hold them off." "Don't worry about it," Darktan replied; "There's... people you can hire for these kinds of things." ---- Darktan left the battlegrounds, and searched in the dark alleyways of the USA. He knew he'd be there; he's always watching. Eventually, Darktan managed to locate the mysterious figure he was looking for; "I've come for your help, I assume you already know about the Pie War raging on in the battlegrounds." The mysterious figure emerged from the alleyway. It was Bugzy. "With all due respect, I don't see how this involves me." the beetle replied; "I'm sure we can come to some sort of agreement." "Perhaps. Me and my boys could display some PWNAGE, that is, of course, you let us wet our beaks." "I'm very powerful, and I can make you as powerful as I am." "Then let us walk." ---- Bugzy escorted Darktan to his mansion. He introduced Darktan to his league of crimminals; the Underground PWN Mafia. All members paid their respect, and Bugzy and Darktan sat down in a Poker Table in discussion; "Before I get into any details of offering my services, I'd like to know what sort of bonus me and my boys will be getting." "When I rule Antarctica, I'll be sure to make all of my new citizens pay you a tax." Bugzy chuckled in a small laugh; "Pssh, with all due respect, you've yet to learn our gangster life. There's no honor, no challenge, no fun, stealing from ordinary penguins. You rip off a master crimminal, you know you're a master thief." "I'm sure you could use an army of gangsters at your beck and call; how about some Painful Bears to aid you in your crimminal endeavours?" "Only language I speak is money. Show me the moo-lah, and I'll show you protection." "Fine, I'll pay you 10,000 pebbles." "20,000." "15,000." "20,000 or no dice." "Fine, you better win this war for me." "Then we have a deal, Darktan. From now on, until this war is over, you are under PWN protection. Want us to slap around someone, we'll be there." "Good, keep the enemy soldiers distracted, that ignorant fool Luce could never learn the secret of the Light Amulet, so I can simply transform into the Maledict, destroy the only thing that could stop me, and all will be under my rule!" Darktan yelled with a cackling laugh. ---- Mayor McFlapp finished typing the entire conversation on his PDA. "Good!" he laughed, smiling winningly at Triskelle. "Now for that interesting plot twist I had in mind, eh? ...heehee!" ---- Bugzy slowly walked from his mansion to the other side of South Pole City. All the streets and shops were deserted due to the fight, but Bugzy still kept an open eye on watch. A few minutes later, he had reached the National Antarctic Bank (NAB for short). Bugzy entered through the silvery revolving door and ambled up to one of the counters. THe sillhouette of an anonymous teller appeared behind a blurred glass screen. "So," the teller began in a low tone, "did ya get him t' pay up?" Bugzy nodded and replied, "Gimme da moolah." The teller passed a substantial amount of money sacks through an opening in the screen, talking at the same time. "There ya go. Ya know what t' do, right?" Bugzy nodded. "Remember, I'll triple the cash if ya do ya job right. Deal?" Bugzy grinned wickedly and shook flippers with the teller though the screen, then left, carrying all the money sacks in a small cart. ---- Chapter 14: Bugzy's "Golden" Touch The sun shone brilliantly up near Club Penguin. Two penguins could be seen sitting beneath a pine tree. "We have exactly 195 days, nineteen hours, twentey four minutes and thirteen seconds before we must head back to advanced school. The first thing they'll ask us is what we did through the break. So, is there anything you have in mind?" The first penguin turned on a nearby radio. "Dagor Dagoath is still raging down in the valleys. Any able bodied (or not) penguin should head down there and defend the nations from an onsluaght of evil. Now here's Mister Tayto with the weather!" The radio was switched off. The penguin stood up and shouted. "HERB! I KNOW WHAT WE'RE 'GONNA' DO TODAY!" The other penguin nodded and pulled out a massive blueprint for a kiesh-based machine gun the size of a polar bear. "Yep. That's it." Midas smiled. They had work to do. ---- Midas and Herb were now hauling their keish-cannon across Antarctica in a special vehicle they built. Midas was loudly singing the USA national anthem, while Herb was humming that odd tune his species so often did. After a while, they had to pull their vehicle over to get some diesal fuel. "Herb, you stay here and prevent any Dark minions from stealing the cannon. I'll go get the fuel." Herb nodded, closed his eyes, and fell asleep. As Midas hopped down, a shady figure came out the convienence store of the gas station and approached the small nerd. "Yo little parody. Sup." Midas turned to face the shady character. As he stepped out, Midas was surprised. "SWEET SCHEMATICS ABOVE! A giant cockroach!" Bugzy cringed, but regained his compsosure. "I've hoid that you got a nice kapeesh cannon." "My parents tell me not to talk to strangers." Bugzy frowned. "I ain't no stranger. The name's Bugzy." Midas tilted his head a bit. "Huh, that is a circa-1990s mobster hat, found on the heads of infamous cri-" Bugzy suplexed onto Midas and slammed him against the conviencene store wall. His glasses fell off. "YOU BETTER TELL NOBODY 'BOUT MY- ..." Bugzy realized that the now-trembling Midas was observing and had no clue about the UPM. He put him down. "Sorry... I take offense to people insulting my fly hat." Midas stood up and dusted his robe off. He still lacked his glasses. He started wondering around looking for them. Bugzy picked up the spectacles and took the oppurtunity to do some, um, research on the penguin. He grabbed his microphone. "Yo yo yo, it's tha boss here. I need you to hijack the EPF documents on a Dorkugese penguin in an orange and white roibe, with red hair and a pointed beak." "I can dig it." the line on the other end commented. GANGSTA G quickly logged onto his Penguin OS computer. Typing in a few commands and entering his password, GG managed to hijack the Secret Agency's servers. He found one on Midas. "Bugzy, I got the dirt. The kid's name is Midas Aurumen. His stepbrother is Herbford Tacet. I have some sales records here saying that they've bought and sold, get this dawg, submarines, iron, steel, nucear power generators, seven cases of plutonium-244, railroads tassels, twenty different building permits, paint, a snowcone machine, a Thank You card, and that's just the firt paragraph." "Anything I can actually USE?" "Yep. Says here he's got a gold obbsession." "Hmm... that'll work." Bugzy turned to Midas. "Hey kid! I found your glasses!" Midas put them back on and started waddling off. "Hey, wait! I got somethin' for yah!" Midas cringed and waddled faster. "It's yellow... and shiny..." Midas stopped. "Sh-sh-shi-i-i-i-ny?" He turned around and ran back to Bugzy, who now had a crate standing near him (brought by UPM minions). "Yep. Nice and metallic." Midas' eyes widened. Bugzy snickered and pulled out a gold ingot. Midas started drooling. "Gold gold gold...." Midas muttered to himself. Suddenly, he shook his body like mad. "No! I must resist helping shifty characters..." "Oooh, looks like about forty pounds of solid precious metal here..." Midas continued to resist. "Yep... don't want it to go to waste... yepp, this shiny, gleaming, high quality-" "GOLD!!!" Midas screamed, sucummbing to the urge for the metal. "Gimme gimme gimme!!" Herb stirred in his sleep. Midas started jumping up and down, trying to reach for the gold that Bugzy was now holding high above him. He took several more ingots, much to Midas' awe, and juggled them with some of his appendages. "So, I've heard ya got a nice kapeesh cannon..." Midas nodded feverishly. "Yyyyeeeeessssss....." Bugzy tossed Midas some gold. "Good penguin. Now, what are ya plannin' to do with it?" "We-were-going-to-use-the-kiesh-cannon-to-defend-Justice-at-the-pie-war..." Bugzy gave more gold to Midas and patted the drooling penguin on the head. "That's a good boid. Now, may I have this cannon?" Suddenly, Herb shot up out of his seat and hopped down just in time to see Midas about to hand a contract to Bugzy. Taking some flags out of his pocket, he started signalling to Midas. He waved some of his special signals he devised to alert Midas of his obbsessive actions. Midas snapped out of it for a second (much to Bugzy's annoyance), seeing Herb waving a yellow flag with the pebble currency annotation on it. "What? I was about to sign over a weapon to a villain?" Herb nodded. Midas was about to comment when Bugzy took out ten more ingots and started juggling them, too. Herb slapped his flipper against his face and took out the Flag of the Darktonian Realm. He waved it like a Khanzem soldier would at a ceremony. "WHAT? He works for- gold gold gold ggggooooolllllldddddd". Midas had just spotted the crate of gold ingots. Herb sighed and put the flags away. He couldn't stop Midas now. Bugzy tossed all of the gold onto a wagon and gave it to Midas. Midas, in exchange, gave Bugzy a contract granting him full use and distribution of the kiesh weapon. Using his strength, the beetle lifted the entire machine gun off its vehicle and flew off, leaving Midas with the crates of gold where the weapon once sat and Herb sighing and shaking his head. ---- Bugzy rang up Darktan on his microphone headset. "Darky, I've got a new weapon for you." "Excellent." Darktan laughed his trademark laugh over the phone. ---- "Keep it down boys." said a Blizzard Ranger. "The Leader, along with a few Dark Penguin guards will parachute here soon. And we wanna surprise him" Several phantom like figures are seen on the other side of that ditch. A Ford walks out, along with a few others. "Fords! Take 'em out!" They fired, all armed with hot sauce snipers and rifles but it was no good. The Fords would win. Another group of phantom like figures were moving. Thankfully, it was The Leader, along with a few Blizzard Rangers and the Dark Penguins, who knocked out the Fords with Dark Swords and Pies. "C'mon, lets move." a Blizzard Ranger said. They all walked, heading straight for one of Darktan's castles. Suddenly, a Pie hit one of the Dark Penguins. They've been ambushed by Fords, Doom Knights and General Coool41. "We'll hold of the those Knights. You fight Coool." said a Dark Penguin. The Leader went for a early strike with his Dark Sword but Coool defended himself with a Dark Sword. This would be a massive clash; Evil v Evil. Coool attacked, stunning The Leader. However, The Leader knew that Coool was no fighter and he hacthed a really evil plan. He attacked, stunning Coool and then, The Leader made a very strong attack on the flipper, knocking him out. Coool was down for the count. *ding ding*. With a quick move, the rest of Coool's army was destroyed. Penghis Khan, along with a few Blizzard Rangers prepared to attack Darktan's castle. It was huge, but The Leader knew he could take it... or could he? ---- Chapter Fifteen: It's Raining Pepperoni and Blizzards! Meranwhile, across the plains in front of South Pole City, Darktan's army was swiftly advancing. Mayor McFlapp watched the evil regiment approach through a set of binoculars. He waved at a series of loaded trebuchets and ballistas to standby for fire. "Closer, now, wot, a little closer..." muttered the Mayor as he watched the front lines draw ever nearer to the fortress city. "All right, that's close enough now, gotta fire before they bally see us..... Catapults 23 to 31! Set your vectors Z3 t' Z7, fire at full power..... NOW!" Large, glassy balls containing Amulet Energy flew through the air, accompanied by several spaghetti missiles and pizza grenades. The projectiles soared through the air, cutting through the wind at a record height, then zoomed straight down and various angles. ---- A Mwa Mwa Penguin at Darktan's front lines looked around the army, amking sure everything was in order for the attack. Numerous frontline STINC soldiers carried missiles to launch at the walls. They were backed up by Doom Knights who were armed with Headcrabs. If the STINC's attempt to breach the walls failed, the Doom Knights would throw the Headcrabs over the walls, where the brainwashing crustaceans would crawl around and brainwash a group of citizens into opening the city gates wide. Then the whole Darktonian army would charge into the supposedly unprotected city. Once the Mwa Mwa Penguin finished making sure everything was set for the attack, it resumed its post on the top of Windy the cloud. All of a sudden, a glassy, glowing ball fell from the sky and smashed straight into the madpenguin's face. There was a quick cracking sound, then the Mwa Mwa Penguin was gone from sight. In its place was a solid, opaque block of ice. Glassy balls and missiles began pummeting from above, causing chaos everywhere. A group of STINC soldiers were running from a mega-tsunami, several Mwa Mwas had just vanished in a purple flash of light when a large, glowing missile hit them, and the Dark Templars were being kept from their patients by a bombardment of pizza toppings and hot sauce. The Mwa Mwa Penguin was immediately freed from the ice block by a missile, only to be blown away by a tornado that had sprouted from the remains of one of the duller glass balls. Darktan was furious. Everywhere he looked, he saw disorder. "Explain this to me!" he raged at yet another Mwa Mwa Penguin. The Mwa Mwa opened its mouth, as if to say something, but was swept off its feet by a wild blizzard. Darktan immediately ducked to avoid a small fireball, then stormed off to his mobile tent to wait out the ambush. To be continued! Result The article is not finished, but I'll go ahead and tell you this: 1. No one died. 2. Happy Ending. 3. They fought with Pies. See also * Luce * Silmaril * Professor Shroomsky * Turtleheimer * King Triskelle * Darktan * Str00del Force * The Other Participants * Great Darktonian Pie War/Archived Inclusions Category:Stories Category:Events